Loving too much, and drinking

Alcohol puts to sleep the part of your brain that says NO. And you know how important that part of our brain is when you’re trying not to practice your particular style of loving too much.

Sometimes we want to call him or stop by his house or spend the night with him, even though we know that doing so is a big mistake.

So we drink first.

Later, by telling ourselves we wouldn’t have behaved as we did if we hadn’t been drinking, we avoid taking responsibility for our choices and exploring their meaning in our life.

And so our unhealthy cycle continues.

More about loving too much

I think that Robin Norwood puts it very elegantly when she says, “Loving too much”. Most of us gals call it, “totally fucking obsessed” or “can’t get him out of my head”. When you’re obsessed with a man, it’s a reminiscent hark back to our primary school days where we would doodle our first name and their surname all over our maths homework.

We probably don’t doodle our joined names as much anymore; nowadays we are more likely to stalk them on Facebook, or drive past their place to see what cars are parked outside.

I’ve done my share of these, don’t you worry. There was this man I was “totally fucking obsessed” over, this is probably a decade ago now, and even though we casually caught up every now and then, I know it meant more to me than it did to him.

I also knew he was on RSVP because he made no secret of it. So, I did what I thought was the only obvious thing at the time, and created a fake RSVP account, complete with some random girl pic I dragged off an obscure website, and started sending him messages.

You see, I wanted to see what he was like, how he acted, what he said, to other girls. For what purpose? I don’t know. Could I confront him on it? Of course not. I’d look like a whack-a-doo. All I thought was that, if he was on RSVP emailing me posing as a fake girl, he wasn’t out in the wide world having sex with girls who weren’t me.

Looking back, I can’t believe I did that. As with many things when we look back – spiral perms, bubble skirts, Leif Garrett.

The simple truth is that, if I wanted more from him than he was prepared to give, then there are two options. Accept without complaint or question the rules of our relationship. Or get out.

There’s nothing wrong with non-exclusivity in sexual relationships, as long as it is agreeable to both parties. If one person is loving too much, ergo getting hurt, it is up to that person to get out of the relationship.

Do you love too much?

Lucky as I am to have met and married a wonderful man, doesn’t mean I have forgotten the gut-wrenching times when relationships didn’t go the way I wanted. I remember wanting to desperately change a few men, make them love me the way I wanted to be loved, and feeling that impotent rage when it resulted in nothing.

In hindsight, why didn’t I just simply walk away? I knew what I wanted, it was clear he wasn’t going to give it to me, so why stay?

And that is the essence of most relationships problems. We love them so much that we forgive them for almost anything and stay around, sometimes for years, hoping it will get better.

It rarely does.

In the height of particularly bad relationship, where I couldn’t seem to get myself away, I stumbled on a book by Robin Norwood, titled Daily Meditations for Women Who Love Too Much. It’s like a first-aid manual to help women preserve their sanity, serenity and sense of humour as they develop a healthier approach to loving and living.

There’s a meditation for every day of the year. Its over-arching message is, when being in love means being in pain, then you are loving too much. Loving turns into loving too much when your partner is inappropriate, uncaring or unavailable, and yet you cannot give him up.

I’ll share a few of these meditations with you in this blog.

21 January: As women who love too much, we may actually relish our co-starring roles in the recurring dramas and melodramas that make up our lives.
Believing that we have had the saddest childhood or the most dangerous lover or the most shocking experience can become our way of feeling important and getting attention from others. Recovery may feel dull by comparison.

May 13: Our attempts to matter to this man, to become as necessary to his well-being as he is to ours, can turn us into clinging, smothering, manipulative and even self-abasing women. When we love too much, we are usually despised for our efforts: our partner despises us, and we despise ourselves.

December 19: When most of our conversations with intimate friends are about him, his problems, his thoughts, his feelings and nearly all our sentences begin with “he…” then we are loving too much.

I’ll post some more over the next few weeks xo