Why Patrick? Offspring will never be the same

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I had better pick up next week’s New Idea and see that Matthew Le Nevez has signed on with Sly Stallone in Expendables 3. Or that Harrison Ford has moved over and Matt is in the fifth Indiana Jones instalment. Or that he is the new McCreamy on Grey’s Anatomy.

Or something equally noteworthy. And horny.

Because that’s the only reason I will accept for him dying.

Patrick’s untimely death on Offspring last night shocked me. Surprised me. Annoyed me.

You see, I was absolutely, unquestionably convinced that Mick was going to get the bullet. Yes, Mick. Mr Eddie Perfect himself.

Jimmy is a bit of a dreamer, a bit flaky, despite his 24-carat heart of gold. But he’s a dad. He has got Alfie and all his inherent future adolescent issues. He’s also tangled up with Zara and the open relationship and his taco shop has just got off the ground. It would be a shame.

Billie, for all her self-indulgent hysterics, is the comic relief of Offspring. Her penchant for drama assuages my regularly recurring concerns that sometimes I put on a bitch-act once too often. I’ve still got my training wheels on when it comes to drama, if you work off the Billie Proudman code for living.

Mick, in his real life, as meteoric rising singer/writer/actor seemed a likely choice. In real life, as in Offspring, his career is what is fashionably called juggernaut. He’s got a lot going on outside the Offspring filming studio in Melbourne. His screen wife is a nightmare. See paragraph above. He has Jimmy’s heart of gold but a greater sense of commitment and purpose. In short, he deserves better than his portrayal as Mick.

And I had figured that the show would survive without him. Just as long as Billie could pay the mortgage.

But it was Patrick who got the bullet. Or the car crash to the head.

You know, I was so convinced it would be one of the other three, that even when Patrick was struck down by the car, I shrugged it off as a distraction carefully put in place by the show’s Machiavellian producers.

Hahaha, I was thinking, good one guys. Get Patrick to have a slight stumble in front of a moving car, to give us all time to top up our wine and go to the loo, while we wait for Mick to stumble in front of a tram as he chases after Billie when she storms off from Nina’s baby shower.

I was soooooooooooo wrong.

What are we going to do without Patrick? Sure, I’ve read enough news feeds today that explain he will return like Sam did to Demi Moore’s Molly in 1990s Ghost. With or without Oda Mae Brown.

But on a regular basis he will be missed. Primarily because he had better hair than Mick. And Clegg. And he looked pretty damn good without his shirt on. When he was in bed, kissing Nina/Asher.

To me, he was the only sane and sensible one in that mad-cap family. While Geraldine, Darcy and their offspring were prone to frenetic diatribe and disassociated conversations, he was like Ghandi in their midst. With better hair.

And fair enough, it seemed that he and Kate were a touch too co-dependent for my liking. As brother and sister, as it is with my brother and me, there should be slight touch of “you’re a jerk/idiot/loser” behaviour, every now and then. But that’s not reason enough to knock him off.

I’m grateful for my Offspring DVDs. I can watch Dr Patrick Reid at my leisure whenever my beloved husband has taken himself off to bed early.

RIP Patrick xoxo

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