Single woman vs married woman

002Having been both single and married for equally significant periods in my life, I feel well qualified to share these insights. Let me know if you agree with anything I’ve said…

What to do when there’s a noise in the night

Single girl: She’ll prod whatever random lover she chose for the night, and ask him to go investigate. Ten bucks says that while he’s poking around and finding there’s nothing sinister going on, she’ll suggest that, seeing as he’s up, he may as well head home. That way she can snuggle down and have a blissful solo sleep and not have to contend with the morning-after-the-night-before issue of making a noise in the toilet.

Married girl: She’ll prod her husband, who is lying flat on his back and snoring louder than a coffee grinder, and ask him to go investigate. Ten bucks says that while he’s poking around and finding there’s nothing sinister, she’ll ask him to bring her a cup of tea on his way back, check on the kids and empty the kitty litter. No point wasting the effort of getting up.

What to do when cooking for one

Single girl: She uses her oven for storage and keeps hair accessories in her Tupperware. She’s not cooking for one. Either she makes a massive pot of something on the weekend, and eats the same thing every night, or she has a glass of wine and a piece of cheese. Because who can be bothered. Mind you, if she’s got herself organised, she’ll have one of her attentive admirers take her out for dinner. Straight after work of course, because who can be bothered going home to change when all you want is food.

Married girl: If she’s cooking for one it means either of these: She’s put herself on a diet and won’t be eating a morsel until next Tuesday, so she has to rustle up something for her husband. In instances like this, hubby should count himself fortunate if she bothers to microwave the baked beans before she dumps them on some toast and hands them to him. Or, option two, hubby is away for the night and she’s got the whole house to herself. She won’t be cooking then either. She’ll be busy watching back-to-back episodes of Game of Thrones or Sex and the City, and pouring her dinner into a wine glass.

What to do when the car breaks down

Single girl: She’s sensibly a member of some reputable breakdown service. She’ll phone them up and once they know she is a) single and b) stranded alone, will have a mechanic to her in no time. He fixes up her car, checks her hand for a wedding ring, asks her out, gets a polite rebuff but he still says he’ll watch her drive off just to make sure everything is ok. If she’s not a member of a reputable breakdown service she’ll take the only other viable option. She’ll ring her dad.

Married girl: Of course, it’s the husband’s fault. Isn’t he in charge of servicing, battery replacements and fuel? She’ll ring her husband up, and berate him for forgetting to ensure her car was roadworthy, tell him it’s all his fault she’s stuck on Gympie Road with a car that won’t start, and ask him what is he going to do about it? The husband then rings the reputable breakdown service on her behalf and gives them the address of where she is, and wishes them luck. The husband will probably get cold baked beans for dinner that night. The wife will have wine.

What to do when there’s a big electricity bill

Single girl: She never has to worry about a big electricity bill because she rarely cooks and when she’s home, she only uses small side lamps or candles because this type of lighting makes her look younger, softer and more alluring. Even if she’s the only one in the house, there’s no point in scaring herself when she looks in the mirror. She really only needs electricity to keep her wine cold and her hair straighteners hot.

Married girl: Instantly blames the husband. He’s the one who comes home and switches every light on. He stays in the shower for 20 minutes, insists on having five televisions with Foxtel, and will put the dishwasher on when it contains only two dirty saucepans and a knife. He’s the one out in the shed with the drill and angle grinder and bench and saw goodness knows what else. Therefore, it seems logical that he should pay it. She usually rings the utility provider to let them know this.

(Part 2 to follow shortly)

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Stuff girls say

001I just need to vent for a minute

Can you keep a secret?

Do you know where my phone is?

I can’t get my hair wet

This is going to sound really mean, but…

I’m just going to steal one of your chips

I have nothing to wear

What star sign are you?

I think she’s a really nice girl, really I do, it’s just that…

God I look fat in that photo

Can we just stop in here for a second?

Oh my God, I love that movie!!

I’ve always thought she was a bit weird

Did you see what she put on Facebook?

Nah, no way, that would never fit me

OK, just one quick one then

I think my hair looks ok today

Hey love, fab shoes you got on

We used to be best friends at high school

I’m not going to have a birthday this year

Fuck that’s ugly

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WWT’s solution to speeding

In 1974, when my brother was a tiny baby, Mum would sling his basinet onto the back seat of the car, and then get behind the wheel and drive off to the shops. I don’t think she even put a seat belt around it. I can also remember leaving a New Year’s Eve party with my folks around the same time, and laughing at my dad because he was honking the horn and driving all over the place, because he was pissed.

Thankfully now, with compulsory seat belts, red light and speed cameras, air bags, better roads, better designed vehicles and driver awareness education, we know better. We know not to speed, we watch our number of drinks and we take care when driving in the rain.

Well, most of us do. There’s still some idiots who sit in the pub and go, “glug glug glug, I only live down the road, another schooner thanks Doreen, glug glug glug, no one is out at this time of night, glug glug glug, I’ll be right.”

And maybe they are. And then one day they’re not. One day (or night) the police are wandering around that neighbourhood and they’ve got a fresh breathalyser and they see this fool leaving the pub and think, “I might just check that out.”

Then there’s an 18 year old who has just got his Ps and a 1994 Commodore, all on the same day. What’s he going to do? Drive it like he stole it, of course. There am I, tottering along Gympie Road in my 1.6L car when this idiot rushes by, weaving in and out of traffic without much thought for his fellow drivers or his indicator.

Or when it is bucketing down with rain and I’ve slowed my speed, another fool is sitting right up my tail pipe. If I cared less for my car, and my own life, I’d be tempted to slam on the brakes just so I could say, “You tosser”.

Now anyone who knows me will know that I do not have the cleanest of driving records. I’ve got what is affectionately known as a lead foot, even though it is shod in fabulous heels. I’ve been nabbed by the red light camera on the Story Bridge approach from Main Street, and I’ve had those intimidating blue flashing lights behind me when I was doing 130 on the Gold Coast highway.

So I am in no position to judge.

All the media hype and police advertising is correct though. Speeding kills. You can’t disagree with that. It’s a message that has been drummed into drivers for so long now it is almost like the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not speed. Yet still it happens; yet still it is identified as the blame in road fatalities.

Why?

My concern is that in Queensland we don’t have severe penalties. My fine was about $200 and three points. The government let me pay off this fine at $20 a month if I chose, and will still give me a chance to accrue a further nine demerit points before they get serious.

What if, my loves, what if the fine for speeding was $2000? What if you were not allowed to pay that off over five years at $20 a month. What if you had to produce your living expenses budget to some authorised officer, and he/she would say, “Cancel your gym membership, no money for going out or buying clothes, your hair appointment can wait, so can your nails, cut your grocery bill in half, no alcohol and only pay the minimum on your credit card. Now, you will live like that until this fine is paid.”

Would that make a social change? Would that be a big enough incentive to make speeding a disincentive?

I earn a reasonable enough salary, but let me tell you, a fine of $2000 is going to hurt. Really hurt. With the goal of hopefully making it hurt so much that I would think very carefully before ever exceeding the speed limit again.

The bleeding hearts amongst us will cry that it is discrimination or unfair on minimum wage earners. To me, discrimination is when the car mechanic will only talk to my husband, and unfair on minimum wage earners is when they are denied free health care for their children.

As a kid growing up, I had a mother who was somewhat fond of the wooden spoon when I was naughty. So fond of it in fact that she broke one or two of them in the process of whacking my backside. Even now, I cannot use a wooden spoon when cooking without feeling slightly menaced.

When I outgrew the wooden spoon, I was grounded when I misbehaved. I had my pocket money and phone privileges taken away and I wasn’t allowed to even walk down the street to get milk.

Ergo I was punished in a way that severely impacted on my standard of living and my quality of life.

Ergo (again) it was easier to simply do what Mum and Dad asked me to do ie keep my room tidy, do the breakfast washing up and not take up smoking.

In simple terms, don’t break the rules.

So if you’re speeding along at 90km/hr in the 60 zone, and you get caught, you should get the wooden spoon from my mother.

Failing that, you should be hit with a dirty great whack of a fine. A fine so big that it disrupts your standard of living and your quality of life to such a point where you realise it is easier to follow the rules.

After all, they’re there for a reason.

Have you met my mother?

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Our top 20 list of instructions for life (in no particular order)

  1. rulesStop worrying about how your kids are going to turn out. Once they become adults it’s up to them to get their lives sorted. All you can do is arm them with good principles, teach them right from wrong, make sure they brush their teeth and show them how wonderful it is to love.

  2. When faced with a health problem, get a few opinions. You may have been seeing your doctor since you were in the womb, but you’re entitled to have the broadest knowledge possible.

  3. Never be afraid to say I don’t know, or I’m sorry, or I love you, or I need help. Or I made a mistake.

  4. Sleep with a pen and paper beside your bed. When an idea hits you at 3am, or you remembered you need to do something the next day, scribble it down and then your mind will rest and you can go back to sleep.

  5. If someone is telling you a story about something great or something funny that happened to them, don’t be in a rush to come over the top with your own story. Let them have their moment in the sun, don’t rain on their parade. There’s plenty of time later for you to tell your story.

  6. When you get a crappy email, give yourself at least one hour before you respond. Overnight if you can. You may have been provoked, but provoking that person back just makes the problem circular. And when you respond, start with “Dear X, thanks for your email”. You’ll be surprised how setting a friendly tone can disarm the other person.

  7. It’s all well and good to marry someone you are hopelessly in love with, or someone with whom you have great sex. Or makes you laugh or has lots of money. But if you really want a life partner, pick someone who doesn’t ask you to sacrifice too much of yourself to secure the relationship. You were fine as you were before that person came along. You don’t need to change for them.

  8. Read to your children. Sing to your children. Listen to your children. In ten years from now, it won’t matter that the dishes weren’t washed or the sheets changed. It will matter that you all headed outside in the rain to kick water in the gutter.

  9. Don’t ever watch sausages being made.

  10. Go on every date you’re asked. Doesn’t matter if he’s too short, too dull or too old. You don’t have to sleep with him, just have a coffee. You don’t know if you may end up with a long term friend, or get further introductions to other guys, or even opportunities for business or travel. Don’t limit your experiences. And a coffee only takes 15 minutes.

  11. When you’re an overnight guest, don’t just make the bed in the morning. Ask your host for clean sheets and do the job properly. Chances are once you’ve left, your host would only have to strip it down and put fresh sheets on herself.

  12. You never need that last drink.

  13. You always need sunscreen. Even in winter. Put it on the back of your hands when you’re driving. Put it all around your neck and décolletage.

  14. Don’t think a higher price always means higher quality. But if you’re shopping for an item, be it a jacket, a lounge suite, a car or whiskey, that you think is going to be around for more than five years, buy the best you can afford.

  15. Don’t discuss business in the lift. You never know who might overhear you. If you’re going to have a good bitch about someone at work, take a look around first to make sure the coast is clear. You never know who might be listening and reporting back.

  16. Commit yourself to constant self-improvement. Learn to cook a curry from scratch, jog five kilometres without stopping, ballroom dance or meditate. Rid words like “try” and “should” from your vocabulary. Smile all the time. Write affirmations and goals and read them every day. With a smile.

  17. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is simply accepting that you can’t change the past. No one can change the past.

  18. Give people a second chance. But not a third.

  19. Never deprive someone of hope. It might be all they have.

  20. Lend only books, CDs and DVDs you never want to see again

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Do your boobs hang low?

Sing this with me sisters:

Do your boobs hang low
Do they wobble to-and-fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow
Can you throw them o’er your shoulder
Like a continental soldier
Do your boobs hang low?

Back in the days when jokes were distributed around offices and factories by fax, I remember picking up this gem.

It was a picture of this little old lady at a bus stop, looking at some beefy burly bloke wearing a t-shirt offensively emblazoned with “Show me yer tits”. Next graphic is the little old lady demurely lifting the bottom of her knee-length coat to show two exhausted breasts flopping limply just above her knees. [Read more…]

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Lift etiquette

Lifts. They were invented to make our lives easier, faster. And if I were to die in one, I’d push the up button first. Yet some people get on board leaving their brain and manners in the loading dock.

Here’s what I mean.

Scenario 1: You’re already in the lift, heading up to level 22. Someone gets in at level 7 and elects to disembark at level 15. Fair enough.

Until you get to level 15. The doors open and this fool stands around, idly admiring his comb over in the mirrors, unaware that he’s supposed to get out. But I guess not every oyster contains a pearl.

“Oh, is this my floor?” he ends up spluttering, all the while checking the LED display just to make sure. Was he expecting a red carpet, some form of fanfare, a media opportunity perchance? Just get out.  [Read more…]

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You’re fired

firedMy first job was at Big W at Carindale. It was waaaaay back in 1980, when I was in Grade 10. Yes, grade. We hadn’t upgraded to ‘year’ at that stage. Thursday night and Saturday morning.

Back then, in those halcyon days, the shops only opened late on Thursdays, and at 12.01pm Saturday, they were locked up tight and everyone either went to the footy, the pub or the uni library to study.

My daughter once asked me how I ‘coped’ with such restricted access to retail opportunities. But it’s the same stock answer anyone who’s older gives to anyone who’s younger when they ask how we ‘coped’.

We didn’t know any different.

My career at Big W started with the checkout, [Read more…]

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How to end rape

I’m not a bloke, and maybe that’s why I don’t understand why men rape.

It seems that you need to perform a lot of dangerous criminal acts in order to get laid. Be it abduction, deprivation of liberty, assault with intent to harm, and of course unlawful carnal knowledge. To name a few.

When you’ve finished having sex, you don’t want to hear a judge saying, “You are accused of grievous bodily harm.” You want to hear, “Oh my God, you were magnificent” and “You’re the best” from the gorgeous lady to whom you’ve just made love.

Would it not be easier to [Read more…]

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Back in my day

So Brisbane teenager Jordan Fuller justified the brawling rabble that ensued when his party was shut down by police as “what kids do”.

At least he got the “kids” part right. Because that’s what they are – kids. Children, juveniles, adolescents, minors, youths, teenagers. Not adults.

And as such, they should bloody well do as they’re told.

Well, at least we did back in my day.

So this turd of a kid [Read more…]

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Rules for happiness

1) Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2) When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3) Life is too short – enjoy it..

4) Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5) Pay off your credit cards every month. [Read more…]

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