The pen is mightier than the iPad

pen

A bit of humour for a cold evening… hope you get a laugh! xx

Everyone knows how to use a pen. Even your grandmother

Most people can pay for a pen with cash.

It is common to own more than one pen.

You don’t get fired if you steal a pen from work.

It’s not a big deal if someone borrows your pen and doesn’t bring it straight back.

And if someone borrows your pen and loses it, it’s usually not a big deal either.

Your pen can be active or switched on for longer than 10 hours.

Your pen will still work, even if you have left it alone for one month.

If, by chance, your pen does run out, you can buy a new one, for as little as $1.00.

You don’t need to wait for your new pen to charge up before you can use it.

Your pen automatically knows you’re from Australia so it won’t omit the “U” from words like “humour” and “colour”.

You don’t need to secure or password-lock your pen when you leave it on your desk or in your car.

A pen doesn’t make a harsh beeping noise or add a red underline when you spell a word incorrectly.

You don’t need to pack a special adapter for your pen when you travel overseas.

It is not often that you have to put up with people boasting about having the latest pen.

People don’t usually bore you by showing off their pen to you.

You are allowed to operate a pen while the aeroplane is taking off and landing.

A pen doesn’t need to be put into flight mode.

When you pen runs out, you usually throw it away.

If you look, you’ll probably find a pen in your glove box or under your couch.

A pen comes with its own apps, ie. 4-colour combos, cap or click, fine or medium point.

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Do your boobs hang low?

Sing this with me sisters:

Do your boobs hang low
Do they wobble to-and-fro
Can you tie them in a knot
Can you tie them in a bow
Can you throw them o’er your shoulder
Like a continental soldier
Do your boobs hang low?

Back in the days when jokes were distributed around offices and factories by fax, I remember picking up this gem.

It was a picture of this little old lady at a bus stop, looking at some beefy burly bloke wearing a t-shirt offensively emblazoned with “Show me yer tits”. Next graphic is the little old lady demurely lifting the bottom of her knee-length coat to show two exhausted breasts flopping limply just above her knees. [Read more…]

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I’m losing my mind

The first time I noticed it was the other Saturday morning. When I finally got out of bed, I stripped the sheets to make ready for fresh ones.

I took said sheets downstairs to the laundry. Looking out the laundry door, I saw a few ugly weeds sprouting rudely below the shrubs down the northern side of our house. I plonked the sheets on the floor and went out to pull the wretches.

While outside, I noticed the Saturday papers on the lawn. It always delights me that someone has a good heart and a robust spirit to rise at 2am, wrap newspapers in plastic and drive around the suburbs chucking them out a car window.

I’ll get back to the laundry load, I think, [Read more…]

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New Year’s Eve 2013

The best part about 2013 was enjoying the month of December. Remember back in 2012, we watched the months slip by with dread, believing that it would all go up in a raging Mayan-inspired apocalyptic blaze on 21 December, leaving the world overrun with zombies and nary a Bruce Willis in sight?

But Earth dodged a bullet, and we spent 2013 pretty much drunk on relief and joy. And repaying our Visas because naturally we had maxed them in the foolishness of end of world actions.

The biggest news of the year would have to the twin girls born to Kate and William. Little princesses Diana and Victoria [Read more…]

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Food for thought

I’ve never thought I would make a good restaurant reviewer, despite the fact that I eat out quite a bit. That’s because I’m too busy eating. And reading or playing with my iPad if I’m on my own, or drinking and acting like a bit of a noisy dickhead when I’m with my friends.

Most times however it’s just my husband and me. We tend to frequent the same places, not because we lack any sense of adventure, but because we know we are guaranteed good food and excellent service.

After all, we’re paying for this.

So yesterday, on day one of our Christmas holidays at Broadbeach on the Gold Coast, we ventured out the mall. Perhaps that was our first mistake.

Now I love the mall in Broadbeach. Mainly because it’s where John Farnham filmed his “Two Strong Hearts” film clip, circa 1988, at the height of his mullet. Regular readers know that I would give up my second born for John Farnham. Mercifully I only have one child. And in 2012 it is no longer a requirement to sacrifice your child, no matter what you owe.

Feeling festive and full of the excitement that is a Gold Coast Christmas, we knew seafood was on the cards. [Read more…]

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The difference between boobs

Women With Big Breasts…

– can get a taxi on the worst days

– have a neat place to carry spare change

– have always been the centre of the arts

– can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

– usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

– always float better

– know where to look first for lost earrings

– rarely lack for a slow dance partner

– have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women With Small Breasts…

– don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

– always look younger

– find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

– can always see their toes and shoes

– can sleep on their stomachs

-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

– can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

– can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out

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You know you’ve grown up when…

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the weather channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 14.

9. Cargo pants and a singlet no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Your uncle feels comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time your local McDonald’s closes.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Hills Science Diet.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a bucket of KFC at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the chemist for Panadol and Metamucil, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20.A $5.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff”.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You prefer to drink with friends at home rather than hang out at a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh no, what the hell happened?”

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Mon 31 December 2012

Well we didn’t all die. We didn’t blow up. The world didn’t end. Like some fools had us believe. All that needless panic. Which is a pity because I know for a fact that, based on the world’s demise, some people whose names I won’t mention made significant dents in their credit cards at Queens Plaza and Palazzo Versace thinking they’d never have to pay it off.

Fools. I only made a modest purchase at Chanel. And those sunglasses will never go out of fashion. So it was an investment really. $400 times 10 years of wear works out at a paltry $40 per year. Not even a dollar a week. Sensible.

And I didn’t renew my gym membership. I need the money for my sunglasses.

It’s kinda weird having New Year’s Eve on a Monday night. Monday nights are usually terrible things. You’re tired because it’s the first work day of the week, and the fun of the weekend is still lingering. You’re out of food, because you ate it all at the weekend and haven’t had the energy to shop for more. There’s crap on television, there’s all the washing from the weekend to fold, and you realise there’s another four long days before you get another respite.

Terrible things, Monday nights.

Except for tonight. It’s party night. I’ve got my champers at hand as I blog, and my mind is cast back to the year that was 2012.

It was my first full calendar year of being married. And weren’t there some surprise weddings this year! I didn’t even know Ashton Kutcher was friendly with Dawn French, let alone getting engaged to her. But then, I guess after the whole Demi thing, he seriously has a thing for older women.

And Shane and Liz, oh dearie me. They broke Kim Kardashian’s 72-day record by 43 days. Helen Keller could have seen that one coming. Outright winners. The only white Liz should have worn this year was her self-styled bikini.

And Elle Macpherson finally took George Clooney’s bachelor status away. Well, I guess it makes sense that the two most beautiful people in the world would want to keep all those lovely genes in the family. Is Elle too old to have another kid? It would look cuter than Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.

Speaking of those Jolie-Pitt’s, I knew Brad would eventually marry Angelina. I was just a tad surprised when he took her name. Brad Jolie just doesn’t conjure up the same image. Ange sure does wear the pants, obviously to protect her testicles. But who am I to comment on what goes on behind chapel doors.

I must say I was a bit shocked to read that Britney is taking dance lessons from Justin Beiber. I thought he was her son. Although I did read that she refuses to cut her hair into that ridiculous style. A small mercy. A big mercy is that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are both incarcerated with parole not due until 2018. I’m loving the Los Angeles judge who made that call. Don’t drink drive next time you pair of nits.

I think 2012 was the year for weight loss. Apparently Victoria Beckham turned sideways and completely disappeared from view. Jennifer Hudson now weighs 17kgs but Katie Holmes got back up to 25. Nicole Kidman is somewhere in the middle, which is disturbing because she’s like 100 feet tall.

It’s a good thing Catherine Middleton had twin girls this year, otherwise she could have ended up Victoria-esque as well. Man, she was so thin she was heading that way. But carrying around two 9-pounders certainly beefed our future Queen up a bit. I really like their names, Charlene and Charmaine. Apparently it’s part of Kate and Will’s attempt to be regular people. The last time I heard the name Charlene was when Kylie Minogue was on neighbours but I’m in no position to judge.

Now let’s hope that William’s tilt to change that throne succession law is successful. I look forward to being ruled by Queen Charlene. Got a nice ring to it.

Weren’t the Olympics sensational! Did you manage to get over to London to see them? My daughter is working in London so it was a good excuse for Alan and me to pop over. If you can call 30 hours travel time a “pop”. Thorpie showed those nay-sayers by smashing his own record for 200 metres. And it was great to see Lisa Curry in the pool again too, hot on the heels of her success in Celebrity Apprentice. I’ve always liked Lisa.

Thank goodness Lleyton won bloody Wimbledon. Now we can all get some sleep. That’s just way too long between drinks. No more listening to him badgering and whinging and making up excuses. You did it son, it was great, now leave it be while you’re at the top.

And on the local front, here in Australia, how do you find our new prime minister, Ms Jessica Rudd? I think she’s a natural. She’s got her father’s political nous, her mother’s business sense, and her hair always looks fabulous. Such a nice change from all that red we had smothering our television screens.

And with Mark Bouris as treasurer, we’re in good hands Australia.

Here’s cheers to 2013.

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I’m spinning around, move outta my way

Each month a sum of cash finds its way from my bank account to my local gym’s bank account. The is an arrangement that has been going on for some years now and both of us abjectly lack any valid desire to change this set up. Even though most times, my money sees more of my gym than I do.

The reason I never change this arrangement is due to one word. Summer. Ok, make that two words. Summer and bikinis.

Which is how I found myself back in the gym around mid October. When I walk in the door for the first time, I noticed the staff had changed from last year. The last lot probably finished uni and got real jobs as public servants or stand up comedians.

They greet me with enforced joviality and care. Really they’re thinking, oh crikey here comes another one that we need to forklift onto the treadmill.

“Good morning,” they beam, all fake white teeth and spray on tans. “Is this your first visit?”

“No,” I dourly reply, “but the last time I came, you were still being breastfed.”

I am fortunate in that my gym has a pool. A decent one at that – 25 metres long and eight lanes wide. Think Olympic and halve it. Twice a week, I join the aqua aerobics class. I love this class. At 46, I’m the youngest. They think I’m their adopted grandchild. Last week they brought me bags of lollies and told me to make them last till the end of the week. The week before, one of them gave me a dollar and told me to put it towards something I was saving up for.

Get the picture?

I like aqua aerobics. You can work really really hard if that’s your mood. Or you can just splash about a bit and have a giggle with Dot and Pam, the two oldies who hang around the end of the pool pretending to work out but in reality hoping to pick up. Seriously, Dot has her eye on Alf, but Alf, as can be typical of men at times, has no idea she’s interested. Who needs Bold And The Beautiful?

After a week or two in the pool, I realised I needed to add diversity to my exercise program if I was going to make it into this year’s Bikini Olympics. Mmmm, I thought, what other group exercise can I do?

Definitely not Body Attack or Body Combat. No way. Not only is there all that unsightly jumping and running (I’ve got boobs, for goodness sake) but if you miss a step, the rest of the class trips, you feel like a bozo, and everyone immediately knows you’re both unfit and unco.

Which is how I ended up in a class called Spin. It has nothing to do with darning. Which is good. This one time I tried to sew up a hem, but ended up sewing my finger to it, so I now get qualified people to do my mending.

In a Spin class you hoist yourself onto this new age stationary bicycle and pretty much move the pedals around and around for 45 minutes. Wherein you get off, fall over, and crawl on your belly to your car.

Spin has two very endearing features. First of all, you do it in the dark. Or as close to dark as possible. You wouldn’t even have sex in this sort of light. I think they make it dark so that we keep our senses alert. Which staves off the boredom of pedalling around and around for 45 minutes.

It also means that if you slacken off a bit, no one can see. Not even the instructor.

The second endearing feature is the little knob in the centre of the bike that increases tension thereby making your workout harder.

You turn this little knob to the right and suddenly it’s like you’re riding your bike up Mount Everest after a heavy snowfall. Turn it to the left, and it’s like you’re riding your bike along Santa Monica Pier with George Clooney catching your tail wind.

And much as I try to keep that knob turned to the right, it all gets a bit much for me, and I have to knock off Everest and go back to Clooney.

And because it’s dark, nobody knows. Yesterday, while pedalling away, and trying to shift my mind away from the glaring monotony of pedal, pedal, pedal by thinking of interesting things, such as the players in the 1975 Australian cricket team, I had a thought.

What a relief that all our knobs don’t carry sensors, with massive reporting boards on the balls of the room. Imagine every time you knocked it back a few degrees, a bulb would flash or a siren would go off. The instructor would position her headset and shout, “Bron, gear it up, no slacking off” and I, of course, would immediately arrange to change my name. And my gym.

Tomorrow is Body Pump. I hear that has nothing to do with sex. Apparently it’s about weights. Heave-ho then…

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Marketing explained

People constantly ask me what I do, how do I earn my money. At heart, I’m a writer, but often that doesn’t get the dollars in.

So I do marketing, communications and training for companies big and small. I help them get their message “out there” using a variety of platforms.

Which is why I loved this list below. It explains marketing in relative terms. It is both true, and quite funny. Read on…

Marketing explained:

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich, marry me.” That’s direct marketing.

2. You go to a party, and your friend walks up to a girl while pointing at you, and tells the girl, “He is very rich, marry him.” That’s advertising.

3. A girl walks up to you and says, “You are very rich, will you marry me?” That’s brand recognition.

4. You say to a girl, “I am very rich, marry me,” and she slaps you. That’s customer feedback.

5. You say to a girl, “I am very rich, marry me,” and she introduces you to her husband. That’s demand and supply gap.

6. Before you get a chance to say to the girl, “I am very rich, marry me,” your wife arrives. That’s restriction from entering a new market.

Got it?

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